Women Blog

As I mentioned in the ‘Pickle’ post (hehhehe that was such a funny title, BTW) I signed up at this ‘adult personals’ site last week. I was just bored as hell and figured I’d drop the 20$ and just see if there were any closet normal chicks in there, because the age group was finally in the right zone. I posted a totally normal variation of my normal BS and totally normal pics, and what follows is my sordid report from behind the scenes…

… First, they rejected the text. I write back and ask them WTF? They let it slide. Then they rejected my pics of me in my fully clothed uniform as “inappropriate” ROFL… here there are people posting pics of themselves getting screwed in the butt, and they think I’m “inappropriate” ehhehehe. So after I get settled there I start scamming on all the girls in my little area and I see this one:

…so I winked. I get a reply 20 mins later…. it’s the same girl I went out with the week before that I met on Yahoo! Except this time she’s looking for women and ‘couples’ as well! hehehe. Then I get an email from a 40yr old asking me if I’d like to screw her while her husband watched, but she wasn’t too hot so I politely declined:)

Next, a buff guy wearing nothing but hiking boots and tighty whiteys writes me up… ‘BiGuy43sum’ or something like that…. saying I showed up on his ‘new members’ list…. (mine only shows chicks, mind you) anyway he’s actually a nice guy and basically tells me I’m never ever going to get anywhere with my profile the way it is (although apparently it was good enough to get him hitting on me.) But he really was giving me sound advice, so I thanked him and explained I’m probably just going to let this expire at the end of the month and maybe the others too…. with all the time I spend online I figure I might do better if I just went out 2hrs a night and see what happens.

Anyway, after that, I get winked at by a local 22 yr old with the following profile:

Profile title: “Hi I’m single and always horny. I love to bang. I have a shaved twat and DD tits.”

(Entire) profile text: “I’m always horny talk to me and I’ll tell ya about myself. My ‘ideal person’ is a nice guy not scared of a woman that knows what she wants and loves having sex”

… so I write back and say something along the line that I’m not too comfortable with the whole random sex thing, to which she responds, “I’m looking for a serious relationship” obviously put off with me…. ehhehehehe now how in the hell would I know that? Even a master at reading between the lines would get that one wrong.

… and this is only day 3:)

What follows is an actual ebay auction that I lifted for your enjoyment because it’s far funnier than anything I can come up with at the moment…

“You are bidding on a mistake. We all make mistakes. We date the wrong people for too long. We chew gum with our mouths open. We say inappropriate things in front of grandma… And we buy leather pants….

“I can explain these pants and why they are in my possession. I bought them many, many years ago under the spell of a woman whom I believed to have taste. She suggested I try them on. I did. She said they looked good. I wanted to have a relationship of sorts with her. I’m stupid and prone to impulsive decisions. I bought the pants.

“The relationship, probably for better, never materialized. The girl, whose name I can’t even recall, is a distant memory. I think she was short.

“Ultimately the pants were placed in the closet where they have remained, unworn, for nearly a decade. I would like to emphasize that: Aside from trying these pants on, they have never, ever been worn. In public or private.

“I have not worn these leather pants for the following reasons:

“I am not a member of Queen.
I do not like motorcycles.
I am not Rod Stewart.
I am not French.
I do not cruise for transvestites in an expensive sports car.

“These were not cheap leather pants. They are Donna Karan leather pants. They’re for men. Brave men, I would think. Perhaps tattooed, pierced men. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say you either have to be very tough, very gay, or very famous to wear these pants and get away with it.

“Again, they’re men’s pants, but they’d probably look great on the right lady. Ladies can get away with leather pants much more often than men can. It’s a sad fact that men who own leather pants will have to come to terms with.

“They are size 34×34. I am no longer size 34×34, so even were I to suddenly decide I was a famous gay biker I would not be able to wear these pants. These pants are destined for someone else. For reasons unknown - perhaps to keep my options open, in case I wanted to become a pirate - I have shuffled these unworn pants from house to house, closet to closet. Alas, it is now time to part ways so that I may use the extra room for any rhinestone-studded jeans I may purchase in the future.

“These pants are in excellent condition. They were never taken on pirate expeditions. They weren’t worn onstage. They didn’t straddle a Harley, or a guy named Harley. They just hung there, sad and ignored, for a few presidencies.

“Someone, somewhere, will look great in these pants. I’m hoping that someone is you, or that you can be suckered into buying them by a girl you’re trying to bed.

“Please buy these leather pants.”

- written by an unknown, somehow associated with banterist.com, a very funny site.

A 34 yr old woman writes in her profile, “My favorite topic is sex. [OK, you have my undivided attention] My best friend always knows if I’ve been seeing anyone because my topics change before I even get a chance to tell her, but my topics haven’t changed for quite some time. [OK, I’m a little confused, but I think that means that you’re still horny.]

“I am a very good cook [bonus!] but I need a better guinea pig than my 9 yr. old daughter she’s not very good with new recipes. [hmmm kids are usually pretty honest.] I’ve been told that I have an infectious laugh. My daugter says I talk too much. [So your own kid thinks you talk too much and you can’t cook? Maybe this is going South?] I have a very creative imagination that I use in my erotica writing. [OK, wait, we’re back on sex…] I am a very open minded person with an elclectic sense of personality I’m not what you expect. [’elclectic’ personality?]

“I am 34 years old but wise beyond my years, but you would have to get to know me to know that. I started this one day and I am finishing it on another day. [oooooh, that is wise] See how the tone has changed this is typical of a normal person with insighte and not just trying to show you the false side. [ah, I see now… you’re a complete looney with an ‘elclectic’ personality.] Hope to hear from you soon thank you for taking the time to read me well and I hope you see something that interests you deeply.

Yes, I think we ‘read you well’ enough… I’ll keep you in the back of my head:

… got it. I’ll be in touch.

We have a local newspaper in town, with a ‘Ask a Question’ blog component online; so I asked the following 2 weeks ago…

Q: I just moved here, I’m 34, I’d like to meet people my own age… the bars here seem to be full of kids spilling drinks on themselves… where does a guy go to meet 25+/’30 something’ year old single women in this town?

A: Yes, the bars here are no place for a guy like you … Try going grocery shopping on Sunday afternoon, buying a puppy (instant chick magnet) or hanging out at Angelo’s Arts &Crafts store.

I now have 14 puppies, a lifetime supply of water based paint, and a refridge full of rotting food, and none of the cashiers still have any idea what I’m talking about, and are like, “someone from the newspaper told you to come here to get a date?!?”

Well, after trying to find a ‘nice’ girl to date for over a month, I decided to, ah, ‘do some research’ on some ‘not so nice’ girls at a few other kinds of personal sites. I’m compiling a list of recommended online dating services with a little (and I do mean LITTLE) insight from yours truly ….and I was doing just fine until I started growing hair on my palms, and my eyes grew dim, and I began having trouble seeing my monitor…