In the past I've made some bad choices when it comes to men. Most of my friends here know most of all the shit on my old marriage. Some of you know that I was raped when I was 15.
I don't get along with the majority of my family and my childhood wasn't the greatest.
I attempted suicide when I was in my early 20s.
But I have something over all the people who have treated me like shit in my life, the people who have discounted me.
I'm alive. I'm loved by MY family (Matt, the kids, Shah, my friends).
Every day that I'm alive is a victory. Every time I smile, it's a victory. I'm sure my ex-husband would dearly love to see me off myself. But I won't and wouldn't. Partly because he would win. And there is no way in this world I would let that asshole have a victory like that.
Every day that I'm alive, and every day that I try to be as happy as I can be, every day that I try to make life better, I win.
Every day that I don't hurt because of the actions of some one who doesn't deserve the dirt off my shoes, I win.
All my ex wanted to do was hurt me. But it doesn't hurt now. He lost. I didn't kill myself. I have my children. I'm loved by Matt. I have friends who are real friends.
So no matter what happens in life, at some point the effects of the actions of stupid malicious people are up to YOU. Every day that you say, "no, I'm not going to hurt myself because of you, I'm not going to give you the satisfaction" YOU WIN.
Everyone is entitled to bad days. Bad days make the good days seem even better. But keep the control over your life that others tried to take from you. Don't let the bad days turn to the worst day of all. And no matter who you are, someone cares about you. LET THEM.
And that's my inspirational speech for the day! *bows*
Before I get to the subject matter of this post, I would like to apologize for not updating it lately. I've had some surgery done and have been either out of commission or playing catch up to everything else.
I came across a woman's domestic violence blog today and she had a post about how to get over the past and get on with your life. And I thought to myself, "Is that what you and I are doing?". We keep rehashing events and talking about the past and how we feel, although at least in my case, it's to help others.
I find that I rarely think about my ex these days. I thought maybe that I was over it completely. I don't get angry about the way he treated me. I don't feel much of anything at all regarding him. It's not numbness, it's something else. I feel about as much emotion regarding him as I would a stranger on the street.
But then Matt and I had a talk about the future. We aren't going to be able to get married in December (due to no one's fault), but he still has to be in the UK the beginning of the year. And because the kids have school and stuff, I can't go with him.
Matt and I both work from home. We are together all the time. And no matter how much I tell myself everything is going to be ok, I'm still terrified about him going.
I'm not afraid to be alone. I'm not scared of my own company. I'm afraid of the tension, the stress, the uncertainty of us being apart for so long. I know what kind of strain that can put on a relationship.
And the fact is, I've never loved anyone as much as I love him. Even when I first met my ex, I didn't love him this much. So when he was gone, it was bearable, and eventually enjoyable.
I keep trying to look at this as a hurdle to get over. That it's just a small thing that we have to do. But I know that because I've never experienced loving someone like this, it means that I have never experienced missing someone as much as I will miss him.
I'm not sure how normal this fear is. I don't even know what normal is!
Pure and simple, by whatever means, I'm afraid of loosing him. I'm afraid of being without this love that I feel from him and for him. And I'm afraid of the pain I would feel if our relationship were to end. Because I know I will have never experienced anything like that pain either.
Their used to be a tradition of mourning where a widow would go into mourning for a year. They say it is to experience every season without the person you lost.
Do I have to re-experience everything to get over the past? Separation, re-marriage, etc?
I don't know, but I do know there is only so much a person can take. And, if this relationship fails, I think I will have reached my limit.
Matt and I are planning getting married in December. Since we both want to have our wedding in England, it depends on a lot of things, so it may happen in December or we might have to put it off for a few more months.
I love this site and doing this blog has been good for me. I love the forum too, even though it's been a bit slow taking off. But I know at some point I have to completely move on and let the past be the past. I spent too many years living in a nightmare and I want to finally let it rest at some point.
I do want to help people. I want to help women who have gone through what I went through. I want them to have a place to talk about their life and maybe give them an opportunity to help other women.
I've been trying to decide what I will do with this blog when the time comes for me to move on. I don't want it to go away completely. So I've been thinking of finding someone who needs a place like this to figure out what happened to them or someone who just wants to tell their own story to take it over. The time isn't now, not yet, but it will come.
I thought before of adding other blogs to this one if anyone else were interested. A sisterhood of women so to speak, all speaking out against domestic violence.
If anyone is interested in having their own blog here, then please let me know. There are contact forms on the main site or you can email me at webmaster[at]onewomansvoice[dot]org.
If you look at the post below this one, you will see what's been going on...
This is where we are up to. Is it just me or is this getting ludicrous?
From his girlfriend (and she's copying him into the emails...so he's getting them too!)...
"I hope all is going well. I was wondering if there was any word on the Thanksgiving request... Please let me know when you have a chance.. I would like to start looking at the schedules...
Also did you get the box of the kids stuff that I sent to them. Eternity had asked for the sweaters to be sent since it is getting cold out there. I have some other stuff to send to them as well but I wanted to be sure they got that package before I sent anything else.
I greatly appreciate you letting me have them for the holiday or at least considering it since nothing is definite yet."
My response...
"I got the box, thanks. It was sent to the old address. Chris has the new one."
Now I had just started feeling better from having oral surgery and being drugged up on the pain killers for a week that the dentist gave me and that was about as polite as I could be. I get this back...
"Thanks for the update.... Are you mad at me...again?
I know we are not going to be the best of friends but you did not even answer the questions I asked...
Sorry if I upset you some how but I will not know what I did unless you tell me..
I am just trying to keep things at a comfortable level so please let me know what's up..."
So fucking hell...why do these people act like I have to bend over back wards to please them and be fucking pleasant all the time. She's deluded. I sent this back to her...
"The fact is that everything I say to you goes straight to Chris and I end up catching shit for it. I don't want any more of his attitude for stupid petty things, such as me taking the kids to New York for thanksgiving (which I still don't know if we are doing yet or not). Therefore, to keep some peace and sanity in my life, I am being as cordial as I can possibly be."
And got this from her...
"I did not know you were catching anything from Chris... Sorry!!! I have just been trying to keep him in the loop on things because I know how upsetting it can be when you are out there... I hope things have not been too terrible. What would you like me to do in regards to this? I do not know how to handle it and since I am an outsider looking in I am very willing to take some advice..."
WHAT?????? Like I'm so fucking stupid as to think that she STILL won't tell him everything I say. I have no desire to be friends with this woman and I don't think I should have to be. I will be polite because I do have some class but that doesn't mean I am just going to hand over MY children to her because she wants me to and because my asshole ex-husband is trying to scare me into letting her have them.
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