Before I get to the subject matter of this post, I would like to apologize for not updating it lately. I've had some surgery done and have been either out of commission or playing catch up to everything else.

I came across a woman's domestic violence blog today and she had a post about how to get over the past and get on with your life. And I thought to myself, "Is that what you and I are doing?". We keep rehashing events and talking about the past and how we feel, although at least in my case, it's to help others.

I find that I rarely think about my ex these days. I thought maybe that I was over it completely. I don't get angry about the way he treated me. I don't feel much of anything at all regarding him. It's not numbness, it's something else. I feel about as much emotion regarding him as I would a stranger on the street.

But then Matt and I had a talk about the future. We aren't going to be able to get married in December (due to no one's fault), but he still has to be in the UK the beginning of the year. And because the kids have school and stuff, I can't go with him.

Matt and I both work from home. We are together all the time. And no matter how much I tell myself everything is going to be ok, I'm still terrified about him going.

I'm not afraid to be alone. I'm not scared of my own company. I'm afraid of the tension, the stress, the uncertainty of us being apart for so long. I know what kind of strain that can put on a relationship.

And the fact is, I've never loved anyone as much as I love him. Even when I first met my ex, I didn't love him this much. So when he was gone, it was bearable, and eventually enjoyable.

I keep trying to look at this as a hurdle to get over. That it's just a small thing that we have to do. But I know that because I've never experienced loving someone like this, it means that I have never experienced missing someone as much as I will miss him.

I'm not sure how normal this fear is. I don't even know what normal is!

Pure and simple, by whatever means, I'm afraid of loosing him. I'm afraid of being without this love that I feel from him and for him. And I'm afraid of the pain I would feel if our relationship were to end. Because I know I will have never experienced anything like that pain either.

Their used to be a tradition of mourning where a widow would go into mourning for a year. They say it is to experience every season without the person you lost.

Do I have to re-experience everything to get over the past? Separation, re-marriage, etc?

I don't know, but I do know there is only so much a person can take. And, if this relationship fails, I think I will have reached my limit.